Reviewing the ‘Billboard’ Hot 100: Desiigner — “Panda”

WHY HASN’T THIS POST BEEN WRITTEN IN A YEAR-PLUS?: Shut up.

PREVIOUS NO. 1: “Work” by Rihanna

WHAT’S THE SONG’S DEAL?: Like Fetty Wap last year, nobody knew who the hell Desiigner was until Kanye West gave his John Hancock-sized signature, with his similarly sized ego attached.

Let’s start with meeting Desiigner. He’s a 19-year-old rapper from Brooklyn. His legal name is Sidney Royel Selby III; I might have to refer to him as Prince Selby III in this space from now until he stops sounding like a certain rapper whose names starts with “F” and ends with “ew-chure.”

Desiigner dropped “Zombie Walk,” his first single, last December. It’s eh. It’s like someone who listened to all of Future’s tapes released the past year and decided to flex their artistic mettle by jacking a similar aesthetic. Like two weeks later, he dropped “Panda” to similar fanfare.

Enter Mr. West. During his The Life of Pablo live stream debut, Yeezy not only threatened the integrity of Tidal’s servers with its massive popularity: he also introduced the world to not-Future — aka Desiigner, aka Prince SIII — on “Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 2.” It heavily samples “Panda.” That was on Feb. 11. TLoP was released Feb. 14.

Let’s look at a chart. They’re fun, colorful, and often informative. Shouts to Google.

Screen Shot 2016-05-08 at 10.17.56 PM

A noticeable bump there. And then everyone lost their fucking minds and decided to play this in the club because no one cares about creativity there. I can’t believe someone was jonesing for more of SRS III and his “infectious” flow. Look at the words. He came up with the hook and decided it was okay enough to warrant repeating over and over and over and over and over and over again. A real positive? Menace’s beat lives up to the producer’s name; it increased riots and folks who would generally describes themselves as “lit” by approximately 54 percent. The true MVP of “Panda” is dude in the background who’s an excellent gunshot impersonator. He needs to do the Biz Markie bit in the next, ridiculous Men in Black movie.

Here we are. Desiigner has two-and-a-half songs that all sound like Mr. F. Hendrix, and he’s out-charted the Atlanta MC who truly has broads in down South. Can’t wait for the five-second Coachella set next year. He’s also the first New York rapper to hit No. 1 since that Jay Z song we never want to hear again. So.

MUSIC VIDEO: There might be a real music video, which depicts a guy in a panda suit running around a town sans woes and stealing people’s vapes. There’s another great contender of Desiigner performing at The FADER Fort with a shirtless tubby bro on stage with a panda head on. The below is TMHMBT’s recognized visual component.

DAB. ON. ‘EM. ALL. DAY. Next. Another reason for this video? It was produced in a pre-TLoP world. It’s more genuine. There’s no way he’d be dabbing that much if he was already signed to G.O.O.D Music and had to answer to Pusha T.

UPDATE 5/11: An official video is out. It features dabbing and Yeezy. It’s aite.

PROJECTED LASTING POWER: It can’t be long for the top. Drake’s nipping at his heels and might actually get a No. 1 song himself. Plus, someone kinda big recently released an album. That might screw up the dabbin’ party currently ruling the charts. Sorry, Fewtch Jr. I doubt Young Metro truly trusts you. I dig the branded Panda hoodie, though.

FAVORITE HOT 100 SONG OF 2016?: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo. “Sorry” by Biebs can’t count.

FAVORITE POP SONG OF 2016?: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FOH.

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