Kanye West Yeezy Season 3 Model Rules, Ranked

The most important ranking of our times, only behind ordering every classless move Cam Newton did last season that greatly upset old white sportswriters.

(Note: none of these rules apply to Naomi Campbell. Or Young Thug.)

1. DO NOT ACT COOL
damn
2. QUIET PLEASE
Shut your mouths; you might be heard through the aux cord.
3. NO SMILE
Zero smile allowed.
4. DO NOT TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES OR SHOES
This would have made things incredibly interesting.
5. SHOW PRIDE
But do so without showing any other kind of emotion.
6. IF YOU WANT TO MOVE, YOU CAN SHIFT YOUR WEIGHT
That’s generous.
7. IF YOU ARE TIRED, SIT DOWN OR LYE DOWN
Makes sense.
8. DO NOT BE CASUAL
Pride only. See above rules.
9. NO SING, UNLESS INSTRUCTED
This would ruin the sanctity of the impeccable album that’s still being fiddled with.
10. NO SITTING DOWN ALL AT THE SAME TIME
Contrary to the first meeting, this isn’t a kindergarten class meeting.
11. NO ACTING
What the fuck.
12. NO SLOW MOVEMENTS
Ridiculous given the myriad restrictions on the act of moving.
13. NO SEXY POSING
Dropped because Naomi just owned it.
14. DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MOVEMENTS AT THE SAME TIME
Don’t worry — no one was going to copy Naomi.
15. YOU ARE A PICTURE
This one seemed hard to nail, given all the edicts about moving.
16. NO WHISPER
Folks were definitely passing notes about being on the verge of passing out.
17. NO DANCING
Only reserved for when people are gone, aka with Vic Mensa on the laptop.
18. KNOW THAT YOUR ACTIONS REFLECT WITHIN THE GROUP
Was this boot camp or
19. STAY IN CHARACTER
NEVER FORGET YOUR ROLE AS A FURRY BEAR WHOSE ONLY PURPOSE IS TO BE YELLED AT.
20. YOUR BEHAVIOR AFFECTS THE CONDUCT OF OTHERS
Serious insight into how he’ll parent Nori and Saint.
21. NO EYE CONTACT
Serious insight into how he’ll parent Nori and Saint.
22. NO FAST MOVEMENTS
Might have been adapted from his Chicago days.
23. NATURAL MOVEMENT
Actually makes tons of sense.
24. ALTERNATE BETWEEN ATTENTION AND EASE
Totally rephrased from the sit/lye down commandment.
25. NO SHARP MOVES
It wouldn’t have been picked up on the TIDAL stream.
26. HOLD YOUR POSITION
It made the TIDAL stream appear to work.
27. BEHAVE AS IF NO ONE WAS IN THE ROOM
By the DONDA trailer, no one was.
28. BE CALM, BE STRONG, BE NEUTRAL
Here’s a new motivational poster.
29. CONCENTRATE, FOCUS
[What should have happened before producing “Facts.”]
30. DO NOT LOOK AT CAMERA
Best part was that one dude who definitely eyed the camera.
31. LOOSEN UP NO STIFFNESS
How many times can you say the same thing?
32. BEFORE THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE GET UP STAND STRAIGHT AT AT[cut off]
Could have been No. 1 if not cut off. We’ll never know.
33. HOLD POSITIONS UNTIL THE END OF THE SHOW
What was the end exactly? Until Kanye left? Until TLoP was done playing? Until the Only One trailer? Until Pusha T announced his intention to join the Lonely Hearts Club Band?
34. STAND STRAIGHT
New one here.
35. KEEP YOUR ASSIGNED POSITION ON THE FLOOR
It’s like PE when we were forced to take attendance in alphabetical order. I hated PE. I hate PE.
36. BE AWARE OF OTHERS AND BE PRECAUTIOS
u forgot something ‘ye
37.DO NOT BREAK THE RULES
oh
38. DO NOT EVER LOOK AT THE JUMBOTRON
Once one sees their self stuntin’, they can never look back. Also: holy shit, Kanye is 38 years old, and there are 38 rules.

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